Personal Narrative 2

Emily Kempf

Writing

Personal Essay

Scared

High School is said to be a journey on which teenagers experience many things that prepare them for the future. Reflecting back on who I was freshman year, my years in high school were the most significant years of my life as I matured and grew. I have not only grown as a person and learned about my self and others, but I also learned how to handle myself in situations of emotional strain.

Going into high school, at 14, I was the classic stubborn, irrational teenager who had always been vigorously independent, wishing to be older then I was. I did everything I could to make my parents treat me like I was older, including dating a 16 year old they absolutely despised. Being impulsive, irresponsible, and defiant, along with having a boyfriend two years older then me, made for constant war at home. This boy and our relationship made my high school experience nothing like I had pictured it. At 14 I did not believe my actions ever deserved to be met with consequence. I saw my boyfriend as “cool” because he was older and I wanted to be like him. He was impulsive as well, and we stumbled into all kinds of mischief together. Sophomore year we continued to grow extremely close as my parents accepted the fact that our relationship was much more then just a fling.

Although things were much better at home, fall of my junior year, this guy who I had so strongly cared about disappeared. Physically he was there, the same he had always looked; but inside he had lost himself, in a deep addiction to heroin. I was only 16 at the time; he was 18 so there was not much that I could do to make him stop. I ended up contacting his mom, and constantly monitoring where he was at all times, trying to prevent him from making the journey to Revere for drugs. What had once been the strongest most supportive relationship in my life quickly turned destructive. He sank further and further into the addiction dragging me down with him in my desperate attempt to save him. I couldn’t find support anywhere because I couldn’t tell my parents, they would never let me see him again and I needed to help him get better. While I was trying to save my boyfriend’s life, while keeping his addiction a secret from my parents, battle self-insecurities such as an eating disorder I developed, losing friends, and trying to keep my grades up; I ended up completely losing myself. Everyone kept telling me it wasn’t my fault or responsibility, but for some reason I just wouldn’t believe it. No one could understand how much I cared about this kid while I watched him destroying himself.

At this point I was receiving no support and realized I needed to seek it out, otherwise I would never let go. A combination of self reflection and being able to express my emotions nurtured my ability to move on. I became able to separate myself emotionally from the relationship and take in what was happening in reality. I knew that he wasn’t the same boy I had fallen in love with, but he looked like the same kid so I kept hoping maybe that boy would come back. The realization that he would never be that kid again, and would battle addiction for the rest of his life was a hard one to make but I reached it.

Finally, after two previous stints in detoxification and relapsing uncountable times, he decided to check into a rehab center for three weeks in New Hampshire. In our entire relationship we had never been apart for more then two weeks, so I presumed it would be difficult. The time away from each other helped me take a step out of what our bond had become and see what had been going on. The reason I was able to grasp it then and not before, was I knew he was finally being looked after by people whom were more suitable than I was to help him. I recognized I needed to take care of me, and that any relationship that compromised my well being was not worth it. The process of understanding that I could not do anything more for him, emotionally took a toll on me, but in the end I came to find that I was better off taking care of myself. I came to this conclusion after expressing my emotions in every productive way I could find. This included writing songs, spending hours reflecting on my self and situation with my close friends, as well as talking to my counselor when I felt overwhelmed.

My experience has shaped me by giving me an idea of what I want to do in the future. It’s made me realize my real passion for other people’s well being, even if I don’t know them well. I am currently majoring in psychology due to my immense curiosity about human development and behavior. I wasn’t the easiest kid when I was younger so I have a way of getting through to people that others can’t figure out. I’ve always loved giving advice to my friends when they get in arguments with a parent, friend, or boyfriend. I aspire to play a part in someone’s life that helps people when no one else can, much like my counselor did for me. This entire experience has uncovered a much more sensitive, aware, and empathetic side to me, which has made me a more content person over all.